From our short story workshop earlier last month at the Royal Cornwall Museum - a comic dialogue in the tradition of Brian Rix, Joyce Grenfell and Blackadder:
A Marriage of Inconvenience
‘This is Treveneth, darling. Welcome.
Come along, Snookums! We don’t want to keep my family waiting.’
I do so want to keep my family waiting. I have such
an awfully feeling of doom – but that’s my family for you.
‘They are all so excited about our
engagement.’
Well, in deep shock perhaps is more
accurate.
‘Don’t look so
scared.’
Please don’t look so
scared. I’ve managed to get you this far….
‘Anything to be scared of? Oh, my
goodness, no. Dear me, what a thing to say. Gosh no.’
Steady old girl, don’t overdo it. But, a little preparation
might not be such a bad thing…
‘Well, a couple of small pieces of
advice…
Say
as fast as you can, then it won’t sound so bad.
‘My brother Johnny is a bit… eccentric?
Don’t let Great Aunt Gertrude attempt to kiss you. Don’t let
Mummy near any alcohol; we have a system, more a little game really a bit like
fielding at cricket – you played cricket at your boarding school surely? No?
Lacrosse? Oh, very odd. Anyhoo, I’m sure you know the rules. Danson, our
butler, sets the field as it were, so you can act as silly mid-off. And, as we
are using the sporting analogy, Daddy, as it were, erm… bats for the other
team. Do you see? No. Ok, well, just don’t get caught in the library with him;
got quite a pinch, so I understand. Ah, here’s Danson.’
Thank goodness.
‘Oh, thank you Danson. Coat, Snookums,
you don’t need it inside.’
And you are definitely not going outside, not at least until I get you
down the aisle of the family chapel.
‘Danson has been with Daddy since he
was a boy. He would do anything for Daddy. Goodness, yes, absolutely anything,
wouldn’t you Danson? Indeed, just so. Absolutely anything, even… Mummy! How
well you look.’
Sober?
‘You have some colour in your cheeks.’
Or the ‘dipso glow’ if we are being honest – which would be a first for
this family.
‘Hullo, everyone, Tralala! This is my
finance…’
Oh, dash it all, where’s he gone.
‘Danson. Quick, he’s getting away. Oh,
sorry didn’t mean to shriek. You have it in hand? Of course you do.’
Darling Danson.
‘Oh I say, that was quite a rugby
tackle. Oh, Snookums is putting up quite a fight… no, its fine, Mrs Danson got
him with a rolling pin.’
Golly, that’s going to raise a welt.
‘I say, Danson, who was that putting in
the try-saving tackle? New footman?
Lorks, he fills out a shirt, what!
‘Why is has he not be conscripted?
Pacifist, really?’
Really? How does he cope in this house?
‘Normal service is resumed
everyone, although dinner will be delayed.’
While we patch him up.
*****************
‘Snookums. Snookums! Mummy
- she’s trying for a single. Oh I say, well fielded - soon got the hang, what.
I’m so sorry; you were saying Great Aunt Gertrude?’
It’s hard to tell through that soup-strainer of a moustache you have
there. Not as impressive as Cook’s. Although you don’t have the hob nailed
boots. But then Mrs Danson is a sturdy woman – burly, even - so perhaps they
are required to hold up her bulk.
‘Yes, getting married: it is a
surprise! Tralala!’
Bally
Miracle more like.
Snookums, mind out, Daddy is going for
a seamer!’
Poor Snookums, now he has a bruise to add to his collection. I say,
Daddy looks perplexed; perhaps Snookums deflected him after all.
‘What’s that Aunt? Oh, his family are
from Yorkshire, so that’s why you haven’t heard of him… oh, you know the
family… thought it was all girls…. No, you must be confused.
Drunk.
‘Where is he now? Oh, I think I saw him
disappear onto the terrace with that handsome rogue brother of mine. Probably
having a cigarette and a chat. Go and see? In my interest?’
‘Oh I say, that’s not a chat… and it’s certainly not
cricket. Johnny you have always stolen what’s mine, my dolls, my clothes, even,
but you will NOT steal the only chap I have got to agree to marry me! When
splendid fellows have asked my name in the past I have burbled it into my tea,
mumbled it around a cucumber sandwich, sneezed it, coughed it, I even feigned a
faint once. But they always find out about my wretched family; and then they
are gone in a cloud of dust! I have tolerated your behaviour only because
Danson told me about that Duke of Orleans; told me if it were good enough for
the French Royal Family, it was good enough for ours.’
‘But you simply will NOT steal my
fiancé, Johnny… What’s that?!... Well, yes, I did think it a little odd that
the army would not take Snookums, considering conscription and all.’
I
don’t think I like where this is heading.
‘Yes, ‘deeply suspicious’ isn’t a nice
thing to say about a volunteer. But they have said if he gets married it will
put an end to all that. Yes, I know the DCLI is his last chance, after he
worked his way down the whole country.
I do not like this at all. But going through your life with your eyes
half shut is not only sensible, it’s wholly necessary in this family.
‘Stop sniggering you two. Your father
always wanted boys, Snookums? Always wanted you to join the army? But…’
Oh,
I see, this is the Duke of Orleans in reverse.
‘I don’t CARE if you are made for each
other. I will NOT be a ‘surplus woman’. I will not die an old maid.
No thank you, Danson, I’m an abstainer as you well know. You think it is
alright at a time like this? Is it from Daddy’s secret stash? No.Mummy’s!’
I suddenly have a new found respect and understanding for my poor, long
suffering mother.
‘Golly, that’s better. What’s that,
Danson? Yes… really… I see… or rather I didn’t… long family tradition? You
mean… Cook, Mrs Danson, was... Daddy’s batman! And back then to employ an
‘unmarried’ cook. Mutually beneficial arrangement? I see. Yes, righto,
excellent plan. Listen up you two: Snookums, if you don’t marry me tomorrow, I
shall sue you for breach of promise. So there. It will all come out, do you
think your mother could stand the scandal. I didn’t think so. After the wedding
you will go straight to the beastly Western Front and you will take my equally
beastly brother as your batman. And I jolly well hope that Kaiser Bill drops a
beastly Whiz-Bang right on your beastly heads.’
Golly, that brandy does give one courage. I never knew I had it in me.
Danson did though. Good old Danson. Why is he waggling his eyebrows like that?
Splendid eyebrows; mine used to be just like that… until mummy bought me my
first pair of tweezers.
‘Oh. I see, capital idea, Danson.
Right, after we are married, I shall live in the west wing of the hunting lodge
with my own personal staff.
Very, very,
personal.
‘You two, if you return - and I look
very good in black, by the way – will live in the east wing.
Wearing
each other’s wardrobes, apparently.
‘Right, Danson, I want to go and kiss
my mother. Could you kindly put your foot on that floor to stop the room revolving?
Thank you awfully.’
Mummy! Here, would you like the rest of
my courage water? You have jolly well earned it. Yes, I love Danson too; he is splendid…
although there is no ‘d’ in the middle of his name, it’s an ‘n’. You must be a
bit squiffy.
And
very nice it is too. Don’t know why I haven’t tried it before.
‘I say, footman. What’s your name?
I
don’t care.
‘Do you have a sweetheart? No?’
I
really don’t care.
‘Danson says you may come and work for
me after my… marriage.
That’s
surprisingly hard to say now.
‘Tell me, how do you like your women?
Rich. Eager. Generous. Splendid. Why thank you for your good wishes, I do
believe I will have a long and happy marriage.’
Turns
out the nuts do not fall far from the tree after all.
‘Tralala!’
